Time Alone

Somehow, the planets aligned and I had a house to myself for three days. The kids were staying at their grandma's and Magnus had to go out of town for work.

I truly did not know what to do with myself!  Of course I went and stocked up on wine, frozen dinners and ice cream, but then what?  Should I use this time to clean the house up.  Go through dressers and closets and purge old clothes. Tackle the garage and clear all the clutter.  How many times have I told myself "if only I had a few days of nobody in my hair, I could get so much done!"

The first night Magnus and I were without the kids I cried. Balled my eyes out. Not because the kids were gone, but because I didn't know what to do with myself.  I have been wound so tight and had been pushing myself for so long, I couldn't let go. It was scary.  I don't really know why it was scary. Probably because not worrying is such an unfamiliar feeling to me. As much as I consciously tell myself I don't give a shit, there is a little  voice in the back of my head worrying.

The first evening by myself I drank an entire bottle of wine and watched the Auction Hunters marathon. It was bliss!  Just me, wine and Allen Haff. No whining about watching cartoons, no flipping channels every five seconds, no nothing!

I woke up the next morning feeling very alone.  Lost and unsettled. I felt like that most of the day. Somehow I got over it. Maybe it was the other bottle of wine!  By the end of the second night, I had managed to finish another bottle of wine and watch six episodes of season two of Downton Abbey.  A Cousin Matthew marathon!

Night three is upon me. Magnus is coming home tonight, but late. Tomorrow we go pick up the kids. I must admit that for as lonely and lost I felt at the beginning, I thought I would be more ready to see everyone. I'm not ready!  I'm enjoying myself too much!!!  I haven't done one productive thing and I don't care. Instead of worrying about all the stuff I didn't accomplish, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my last night away from reality!

I'm a little nervous about the world coming back. I've had very few thoughts in my head and for some reason I feel like that's all going to change when everyone is back. I feel like I'm going to lose this little piece of me that I haven't known in a long time.  It doesn't have to be that way though. These few days have enabled me to let go of a lot.  Im hoping I will be able to leave it all in the past. Summer is here. No rushing around in the morning, no after school activities, no homework, just fun.

Instead of inviting worry back into my mind, I'm going to focus on having a fun summer and finding ways to continue embracing the feeling of nothingness in my mind.