Saturday, June 2, 2012
Learning to Fly
I'm still working on this whole concept of trying to be happy. I truly want to be able to have happy thoughts and not fear feeling joy
My recent time alone has given me an unexpected push in that direction. And one of my blogger friends, Amanda was in an all to familiar downward spiral of despair and asked how do happy people make themselves happy.
For me, it's not a question of making myself happy. It's LETTING myself be happy. Before you can even think about making yourself happy, you have to allow yourself to be happy. A much more difficult thing to do.
A very long time ago, I decided to quit being happy so that I wouldn't have to feel disappointment. It made complete sense, and still does honestly. If you don't want to feel something, avoid it. The way I avoided happiness was to hold on to all the pain. By allowing myself to remain in pain, I felt in control. You cant hurt me with disappointment if I am in control.
But the funny thing is, the more I have hung on to all this baggage, the more out of control I became. I'm really not in control of me at all, my pain is in control of me and it is slowly killing me. Killing my spirit. Making me a toxic person.
So, instead of being in control of my pain, I'm going to be in control of my happiness. I'm not letting anyone take my happiness away from me. I am in control of it. Nobody else.
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<3 read it 3 times. Trying to resonate with anything that might work. It makes a lot of sense really. Why be in pain in order not to feel pain? That's what makes no sense. I have taken to heart what people have said, a lot you, and trying to find my place in it. I'm not giving up. Thanks for writing this. I hope your happy place stays despite anyone else! I'm gonna try to get back to in despite anyone or anything else. I think we make a good pair and think have something to offer each other when the other is in misery. Maybe one day we'll be walking in happiness together, blogger buddy. Hope is not all lost.
ReplyDeleteOh, I have a feeling The Blob will have something to say about it at some point. It's a completely different way of thinking and after 20 years it's not going to be easy.
DeleteAnd yes, I basically make myself feel miserable so I won't feel miserable.
DeleteI was thinking of you talking about letting go of your list of worries and how they came back when you broke your leg. You are in this hole for a reason - to finally break through all the shit you THOUGHT you had let go of.
Amazingly enough, it was once I faced all the stuff I had put away in order to survive, that I truly started feeling whole. And, dare I say it? Happy. I had to really feel and live the hurt instead of the anger (although anger was certainly there.) The fear of facing what has held you back or kept you miserable is so much worse than the reality! Once I allowed myself to feel again the anger and hurt went away. You are so on your way, Jennifer. Taking care of yourself and not berating yourself for it is a WIN! Standing up to your mother and claiming your rights is a WIN! It can get better, it will get better!
ReplyDeleteFear is always worse than reality. It's never as bad as you believe.
DeleteI feel like I'm more on my way than I have in a loooong time.
I hope blob is weaker every time you forget about him. If he comes back vengeful then I hope you kicks it's ass.
ReplyDeleteThis whole leg thing does have a purpose...several of them. But right now I feel like saying kiss my ass to it. I hope I come out stronger at the end, and with the current happenings, I'm far from the end. Therefore, i must put my chin up.
Diary of a mad woman blogs are another group therapy for me.
Group therapy was beneficial today. I also liked what Tammy had to say and I think more than anything it resonates with what my husband needs to start the process of. I sent that comment to him in text. I need to benefit from it too.
Ps. I haven't been on a real comp so that's why I havent played on yours or Anyones page. This phone business is tedious.
AWWW I sooooo SOOOO soooo need to take this advice.
ReplyDeleteToday's been a struggle. Holy hell has it been a struggle.
:) THanks for the linky love.
You are welcome! Sorry you had such a bad day.
DeleteI need to update this post with a link to Tom Petty's Learning to Fly.
It is what it is...till it isn't. :)
DeletePick up the pieces and move on. It is all I can ask.
Which is what I did today.
I told my psychiatrist where to put it.. Well not really but pretty damn close. *blog post coming soon once I'm able to put my thoughts togother or not*