Change in Emotions

On Tuesday I had a seriously rough day.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it through this med change.  And then I remebered to actually take my meds.  I also got some unexpected good news about something I was toturing myself over.  I knew I was overreacting and that I should have listened to my instincts a month ago.

On Thursday I fell asleep while driving and woke up just in time to see a car making a left hand turn. I couldn't stop in time and smashed into the side of the car. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also got arrested for a driving with a suspended license.  Didn't even know I had a suspended license.  If this would have happened on Tuesday, I would have fallen apart. I wouldn't have been able to keep myself together as well as I did. I held myself together so well that I wasn't sure who this person in my body was. I cried a little bit twice, but was able to pull myself together fairly quickly.

This wreck ruined my big father's day gift to Magnus.  We were going camping for a long weekend and he was really looking forward to it. The wreck also brought up a lot of other junk that upset him. He wasn't mad at me, and for once I believed him.

As a matter of fact, I haven't had much emotion about anything since Tuesday.  These massive THINGS that would have sent me into a huge depression and on some very exotic guilt trips to far away locations.  This wreck has hardly phased me. I mean it sucks.  My van could be totaled and we are less than a year away from paying it off. My insurance might drop me because this is the scond claim I've had filed in a week.  But, for whatever reason, I'm not phased by it.  I have hardly thought about the new things I've been too afraid to try. As a matter of fact, I did something Tuesday without giving it two thoughts before hand.   I just did it and had complete peace about it.  I haven't even gotten myself worked up into a "sky is falling tizzy" over nothing resulting from it yet either. I'm a little impatient about it, but not worried. It's so bizzare.

All of this lack of intense emotions is bizzare.  Almost a numbness.  I start to freak out about it, but something snaps me out of it before I get going.   I'm also bored.  I don't feel like doing much of anything but playing games on my iPad or play on FB.  And dare I say there is a part of me that actually misses these intense emotions?  I wouldn't say I miss them enough to want to bring them back, but I miss them. I probably miss the highs. I kind of wonder if I'm trying to bring myself down so I can have a high to bring me back.

I should probably wrap this up some way, but I don't know how. So, consider this the wrap up.