It's Not the Twenty Times I Succeed, It's the One Time I FAIL

Something happened yesterday that has sent me on a tailspin. I was already heading there. The first two things that sent me spiraling were my therapist telling me I was doing well and my new med doc diagnosing me with PTSD.  I still haven't processed THAT.

The "thing" that happened was so piddly that I really shouldn't be so out of sorts about it. And yes, of course it really isn't about the thing that didn't happen, it's about something bigger than that. The one time a comment  I made isn't acknowledged it means I'm worthless.  Never mind the last twenty comments that were acknowledged.  I have no freaking perspective.  Ahhhh the life of having "intense" emotions!  When it's good, it's REAL good and when it's bad, it's REAL bad!

Once my downward spiral starts, I start asking myself what is wrong with me. What the hell IS my problem anyway. And then that thought generates a whole laundry list of reasons why I feel so unworthy and worthless.

My mom's mom didn't like me or my dad. Seriously, when I was in college, the man wouldn't acknowledge me.  He never acknowledged my marriage or my children.  He blamed my dad and I for all of my mom's mental issues.  But it was completely ok for his son to steal from him on multiple occasions.   What did my mom do?  Ran to him every fucking time and wouldn't stand up to him. Why?  Because she thinks she was daddy's little girl. Years later she would try that shit on me. Told me Magnus wanted her dead because he wouldn't fix a bump in a rug for her. Boy did I let her have it. After I made a trip to bail her out of jail and temporarily moved her into my house she had the nerve. This wasn't the first time. When they found out we were moving for Magnus's new job they accused me of leaving them to rot away and die. Seriously?!  They thought that little of me. Never mind they had both left their parents. WTF?

My mom not defending my dad and I made me feel like she didn't care about her family. She didn't love us enough to stand up to that waste of human life and tell him where to go.

I realize my mom had her own issues and that's why she wouldn't stand up to her dad. He used to beat my grandmother. Worthless sake of shit.

When I start seeing my mom as a person with her own issues and reasons why she did the things she did I want to forgive her. But I'm not sure if it's really forgiveness or me
making excuses for her so I can take down the fence I've erected between us because I feel guilty about that.   I can't forgive her. I don't have enough strength to maintain "healthy" boundaries if I forgive her. I know I have to get there though. Because if I don't, this shit will continue to own me.