Me, A Perfectionist?

Several years ago, my psychiatrist casually mentioned I was a perfectionist. I almost fired here, because she obviously didn't know me very well. I never in a million years thought of myself as a perfectionist. I am perfectly ok with walking out of the house with no make up, my WHITE van hasn't been washed in a year and my dinning room table is a mess. I'm an accountant and I've NEVER balanced my bank statemnt for goodness sake!

My living room.  This is NOT the living room of a perfectionist!

My mom on the other hand, is the definition of a perfectionist. She's the kind of person that washes the dishes BEFORE they go in the dishwasher. When I was a kid, she would check to make sure every last speck of food was off a dish before I could put the dish in the dishwasher. When I cleaned the bathrooms, she would check to see if there was any gunk still lurking around the base of the faucet. If she found something, hi ho, hi ho, back to scrubbing I went. To this day, she will only wear her white tennis shoes on special occasions, so they stay blindgly white.

What my psychiatrist said kept nagging at me though. What did she mean that I was a "perfectionist". I really did respected her and thought she was a pretty bad ass shrink. And then, it finally started hitting me. I AM a perfectionist. I am a perfectionist because:

• I am a HUGE procrastinator. Why do today what you can put off until next week? Besides, I worked better under pressure. Nothing like a huge deadline to motivate me to get a bunch of stuff done.

• I have a HUGE fear of failure, which is the real reason I procrastinate. Lately, I've been having a very hard time making descions. Especiaaly if it's something I've previously screwed up.

• I have self esteem that always seems to find a new low. It makes complete sense to have low self esteem as a perfectionist. Perfectionism and self esteem are a viscious downward spiral. You're convinced you can't do anything right, which gives you low self esteem and the low self esteem makes you even more critical of yourself. AWESOME!!!

• In certain circumstances, I can be very defensive. The area I struggle the most with this is my job. I feel like my job demands an unattainable level of perfection, and I try very hard to do my very best. But, my boss will call me out on the most ridiculous things and I lose it. Big time!

While I'm coming to terms with the fact I'm a perfectionist and that's a big step, I can't help but beat myself up for not being perfect.