I Might Not Survive This

Someone has given me some new perspective tonight on something that was bothering me way too much.  I feel a TON better about a lot of things since I wrote this.  I debated not posting it, but this isn't the first time I've had these thoughts and it probably won't be the last...  






I'm not sure I'm going to survive this med change let alone anyone that comes in contact with me.

One minute I am perfectly fine and the next minute I am drowning in an abyss of despair. All it takes is for someone to speak to me. That's it.
Ask me a question and I immediately flip out.  I try to control myself at the same time, but the kids can tell something is wrong and they think it's them.

The Boy takes my reactions to things very hard. I have gone through difficult times in the past and he mimics them. If I fall into a fit of tears over something petty, he will fall into a fit a tears over nothing. If I bite people's heads off, he will do the same. And then I feel like I've fucked my kid up even more. That poor boy. I have projected so much shit on him.   What did he deserve to get that?  Not a damn thing except being born my child.

 Any time I think of something I am wanting to try, self hate immediately kicks in.  I try talking myself out of it, but that just makes it worse.   I just want to give in, but I can't, but I want to.  The conflict just builds and builds until I bust out in tears.   I try listening to music, but the words just piss me off or create more self hate. I try reading, but I just start hating myself for all kinds of stupid shit.  Basically, I just hate myself and yell at myself for hating myself.

Of course this would all be better if I just took my new meds, but I forget them.  And I don't really know that things would be better, it's just what I tell myself to make myself feel even worse.  That appears to be my favorite thing to do. Self Destruct.  I'm actually pretty awesome at it. Maybe If I could do other things as awesomely as I self destruct I wouldn't be so fucked up...