The Last Five Years

Five years ago my husband decided he wanted to change careers.  It would mean he would have to leave for six months of training and that we would have to move somewhere, but had no say in where.  It was a complete crap shoot if he would make it through all the levels of the hiring process. I supported him because I didnt want him living with regrets and I didnt want to be the reason for regrets. He was unhappy and stuck with his current job, I didnt like my job, we weren't comitted to living where we were living the rest of our lives, so why not?

A year and a half later, he makes it through the entire hiring process and leaves for training.  I had six months to sell our house, find a new house and find a new job for myself while working full time and being a single parent to two kids.  When my parents found out about this, they lost it. They accused me of walking away from them and leaving them to die. I am an only child and my mom thinks I am her life, except when she thinks I'm an ungrateful bitch, or leaving her to die, or won't let her manipulate me into hating my dad. 

 I made it through all that shit and we moved to Mississippi. The fucking cesspool of the country.  Every sterotype you can think of about Mississippi is true. I often say time travel is possible when you live in Mississippi. You travel back in time when you get here and into the future when you leave. In someplaces, I swear time stopped in the 50s.

 About six months after we moved here, problems my son has had since he was one, problems that everyone told me he would outgrow, started becoming worse problems. When he was one, he would hit stuff if he was frustrated. He was kicked out of a daycare at three because the daycare thought he was a liability. Every time I tried to get help, people told me he would outgrow it, or I just needed to do this or that with him. I tried fucking everything and nothing worked. He would have raging fits where he would bang his head on the floor over the littlest thing.   He was in kindergarten now and he would still throw uncontrollabe tantrums and they were only getting worse. So, I found a therapist for him. She sucked. That summer he got kicked out of a summer camp for choking a kid three times in two days. I took him for an evaluation where they found nothing wrong with him other than he was highly intelligent - top 99% of the population. They suggested therapy again. I found a new therapist.

During that same summer, I got a phone call from the sheriff's dept in TN telling me my mother had been arrested for domestic violence.  Apparently, my dad had become delusional and was convinced my mom was going to kill him. He was trying to build this case of her being violent towards him so she would go to jail. He was also getting back at her for when she threw him in jail 20 years ago. Sooooo, all night to TN to bail my mom out of jail. My mom has just as many crazy problems as my dad. At the same time, my dad was missing (long story in itself, but I found him). Also, since my mom had been arrested on domestic violence charges, she couldnt go home.  For two and a half months!!!  She had no place to go other than my house. Oh Fucking Joy!!! While at my house, she had many tantrums and told me my husband didn't care if she died because he wouldn't stop chasing my two year old daughter that he was trying to get in the bath and fix a wrinkle in a rug so she could sit down.  I had to do SOMETHING to get her out of my house, so I took time off work and drove back to TN and went to court to get permission for her to move back to her house. My dad was now living in Arkansas with my grandma.  I made at least two more round trips up there and in the end, my mom ending up moving to Mississippi. Oh fucking Joy.  I had JUST gotten away from them and now she was moving five minutes away from me. Again.

During this whole time I'm miserable. My job sucks and I've left everything that I had in TN. It's impossible to make friends here unless you are from here, belong to a country club and go to church. I have NOTHING in common with these people. Nothing!  

My son starts first grade and the problems start again. He gets suspended twice for hurting kids and if he does anything else he will be kicked out of school. He goes to a private school. He NEEDS to be in this school because of his intelligence. He would be swallowed alive in public school down here. His school even told me I needed to start finding options other than public school for him. I'm a fucking mess!  A year of Therapy has done nothing for him!  I finally decide he needs medication. My sweet kind hearted seven year old son needs medication. He is my child through and through. I have blamed myself to the heavens because he is sick just like me. I've also had my whole childhood dug up because I'm living every painful part of it again - thru him. He is seven and says he wants to die.  I finally find one of the only child psychiatrists in this hell hole and diagnosis him with ODD which is Oppositional  Defiant Disorder and gives him drugs. Ahhhhh. Drugs!  Finally!!!  Well, we go back for a follow up and the doctor decides my son has ADHD too. I'm livid because we had him tested by an world renowned ADHD expert who said he didn't have it.  At this point, I thought maybe I was living in denial.  Maybe he does have ADHD, what the fuck do I know anyway?  So we start him on ADHD drugs and they make him crazy hyper. 

Then I get arrested. Because a black cop with a massive chip on his shoulder in Mississippi thought a white woman in a minivan and her three year old thought I cussed him out. He called reinforcement cops in and my husband had to come get my daughter because I was going to jail.   I was so pissed, so I decided to go psycho on this man. There is nothing worse than being in a car with a screaming child, so I started screaming my head off. It drove him bonkers. It's all I could do to keep functioning at that moment. While I was sitting in that jail cell waiting to be released I wanted to die. I wanted to walk out in front of a train and end it all. But, I couldn't do that. Suicide is the most selfish act and my son was fucked up enough.  The arrest happened a year ago and it still isn't resolved. I have to go back to court in June for it. 

After I got arrested, I started an intensive outpatient therapy program.  It helped some. I learned to start putting up "healthy" boundries with my mother.   I dealt with a lot of shit from when I was a kid.  A year later, I'm still in therapy and still figuring shit out. 

My son started second grade and problems started again.  More suspensions.  But this year he has an amazing teacher.  She adores him  and sees the sweet child that he is.  My son's doctor is still fucking around with medication and FINALLY decides that my son DOESN'T have ADHD and just has a hard time living in a world of mere mortals because of his intelligence.  NO FUCKING SHIT YOU DUMBASS!!!!!  I had this conversation with him months prior and he thought I was an idiot!  Moron! 

Then I got arrested again. Seriously, WTF God?  Haven't I been through enough?  Isn't being arrested once in a twelve month period enough?  Apparently not.  And this time, my husband was in Vegas for a guy's weekend with his brothers.   I got pulled over for an expired tag and discovered my license had been suspended. I had NO CLUE I was driving with a suspended license.  I guess God was sort of on my side, because this cop just took me to the station and let me post bail. No jail this time. But guess who had to some pick me up?  My mom. 

Now that my son is doing better and I'm able to put that stress behind me, I'm realizing my marriage has been a mess ever since my husband got his new job.   It just doesn't fucking end. And my parents are having crazy spells again.   I have managed to make one friend. I tried to make another friend, but she quit talking to me after she realized I wasn't going to drink her curch kool-aid. Even though our kids adored each other. But you know what, I don't need that kind of drama in my life. 

This is a cliff note version hitting the highlights of the last four years of my life.  I have been in a deep deep hole for a very long time. Not realizing how deep that hole was, but finding out that it could go deeper and deeper.   I think I'm starting to slowly get better. Things that go wrong don't send me into an abyss of despair like they used to. I can actually fall asleep without melatonin some nights.

Baby steps.