A Dysfunctional Perfectionist's Guide to Throwing a Birthday Party

I'm a craft whore. I love doing crafty things.  I also love birthday parties.  Throwing homemade birthday parties gives me the perfect opportunity to get a little crafty. But, I'm also a perfectionist that looks for fault in everything I do.  I tell myself that putting together a birthday party will help me practice how to control my self critical voice.   Here is how I threw a Pirates & Princesses birthday party for my daughter and all the ways my self critical voice tried to get the best of me.




A Week Before the Party

1.  Buy all the ingredients you will need for the cake.  Panic and drive to three different grocery stores looking for graham cracker sticks. Get pissed that you live in a town with a grocry store monopoly. The town you USED to live would have graham cracker sticks.  Completely flip out on yourself and convince yourself the party is ruined because the cake won't be perfect.

image from familyfun.go.com
I couldn't find the graham cracker sticks to put 
around each layer of the cake.

Special note: Make sure you buy a whole pineapple (not one already cored that would make your life easier) to make the cute strawberry & pineapple boats with. Leave the pineapple on your counter with the kitchen window open so you can infest your house with fruit flies.

**Apparently I did not save the website where I found the idea for these glorious pineapple strawberry boats.  Picture a chunk of pineapple with a strawberry on top skewered with a sword cocktail pick.**

2.  Start making the wooden pirate ship you convinced yourself you could assemble without the help of your husband because you knoe he hates these things.  Immediately accept your husband's offer to help and then watch him start cussing at it and breaking it within 15 minutes.

After your husband has thrown up his hands, take over building the ship, because if there isn't a pink pirate ship centerpiece, the party is ruined.

Note:  Have your hot glue gun heated up and ready to go. You're going to need it!

3. Panic about the state of your house, but avoid cleaning it because the kids will just trash it again.

**No picture available, use your imagination**

The Day Before the Party:

 1)   Make the cake. Don't panic when one of your cakes comes out looking like this because you can still salvage the top circle from it.

2)  Make a special trip to the grocery store for the ONE ingriedient you forgot for the icing.  Don't go to the closest grocery store, drive clear across town so you can get the $3 sword cocktail picks you need for the pineapple & strawberry boats even though you arent going to have time to make them.  Apparently, you bought the pineapple for the soul purpose of infesting your house with fruit flies.

image from Webhats.com

  3)  Start spray painting a styrofoam ice chest brown so it looks like a treasure chest.  Run out of paint and make a trip to the hardware store for more spray paint.  Think about how ridiculous it was to buy a three inch tall can of spray paint and become frustrated at wasting money.

You're going to need a heck of a lot more

spray paint than this to paint a styrofoam cooler!

  4. Set the table and allow yourself to actually be proud of something you did.  Tell that self critical voice to go to shut the fuck up.

Clearly, this adorable table would have

been completely ruined without the pirate ship!

   4. Finish the cake and tell yourself it turned out pretty awesome.  Remind that self critical voice it needs to shut the fuck up.  You CAN do some things right!

Not exactly like the picture, but 

it was enough to make a 4 yr old happy!

The Day of the Party

   1. Wake up with PMS and start losing your mind because your kids are already wound up over a party that doesn't start until 2:00.

  2.  Order balloons and then head over to the craft store for more shit you realize you do not have.  You really should have all your crafts DONE by now, but you don't.

  3.  Stop at Starbucks for some frappacino crack

  4.  Get almost all the way home before you realize you forgot to pick up the balloons

  5. Run out of time to make any of the food you bought.  You can always use those cocktail swords you HAD to have to fight the fruit flies.

    6.  Finish decorating.  Continue panicking.  Start cleaning up the house.

    7.  Bribe your daughter with your make up so she will put on the outfit you made.  Pray she will keep it on at least until the party starts.

    8.  Panic and then be secretly happy when everyone arrives 20 minutes late.  That much less time you have to fill!

    9.  Worry about not having food for people even though you know nobody will eat it.


FINALLY allow yourself to relax.  People are having a good time even though your self critical voice tried to convince you otherwise.


Tell yourself to never EVER have another party in your home. Seriously.  EVER!  Even if it is an excuse to get your house somewhat clean.