Back Peddling

I committed to buying an antique trunk today.  I really liked it when I saw it, I've wanted one for awhile and I thought it was a good deal.  I told Magnus and he doesn't care. Now I'm regretting it big time. I feel like a total ass. This year Magnus and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. He wants to go on a small trip. I'm convinced we can't afford it.  And then I go and spend money on a stupid trunk. What the hell was I thinking?  What the hell am I thinking for wondering what the hell was I thinking?   I'm self destructing our plans for a trip. Obviously there is a reason, but I'm not at a point I can admit what that reason is. Perhaps I'm afraid of spending time alone with him. Why am I afraid of spending time alone with him?  Because I don't think I deserve him. I think I'm also struggling with the fact I bought something for myself. I usually don't have a problem with this. Actually, I do, but it manifests itself by me not being able to find anything I like or anything that fits. That and I always find things for the kids or Magnus. I'm getting my hair cut Saturday and now that's stressing me out. I just committed to buying this damn trunk and I'm going to spend too much money getting my hair cut. God dammit, I was feeling pretty good about things in general and now I'm losing sleep over a damn trunk and a fucking haircut. I'm such an idiot!