First EMDR Session

I had my first EMDR therapy session last week.  If you don't know what EMDR is, I'm not sure I can explain it very well. Basically you bring up issues you are struggling with and through rapid eye movement, create new paths to help you resolve the issues.

I didn't know what to expect with this or how I would react to it, but I've been dealing with this crap for so long I didn't really care. I just want to stop feeling miserable with every thought I have.

First I picked a negative feeling that I experience frequently (feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough) and brought up experiences that have triggered those feelings one at a time.   I processed the experience by talking through the thoughts I have about it while I rapidly follow my therapists fingers back and forth with my eyes.

Let me just tell you this exercise left me DRAINED for two days!  It was emotionally painful and exhausting. I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes hurt and it made me dizzy to type on a computer screen the day I did the therapy. I'm not going to lie, it freaking sucked!  For two days, almost everything I did or thought created an intense emotional reaction. At one point I started balling when I put on a pair of shorts.

My therapist noticed a couple things. She noticed that I would get stuck at the same spot with each experience I processed. Before I would find the positive in the experience, I got stuck at the bottom of the negatives. This happened with four of the five things I processed. The last thing I processed, I couldn't pull myself out of. This was the struggle I have with losing weight. I can't do it. I self destruct and tell myself horrible things every time I try.

The other thing my therapist observed is that I have intense negative emotional reactions to every feeling I experience - good or bad.  If I'm having good feelings, I talk myself down from them and if I'm having bad feelings, I let them have free reign in my head.

I'm not doing the best job of communicating what an impact this therapy had on me. I wish I could. I wish I would have written down what was going through my head that day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've been meaning to write about for a week, but this is the first opportunity I have felt strong enough to do it without falling apart.

I'm not looking forward to my next session. As a matter of fact, I'm dreading it. I have a feeling the closer next Tuesday comes, the more anxiety I will have. This experience was so difficult I question whether I want to do it again. But, when I look at the alternative of continuing to feel like crap every time I try to experience an emotion, it's about as equally painful as the sessions. The only difference is that going through these sessions will hopefully help stop all the awful emotions.

A Letter

I wrote this not long after my first EMDR session.  The session obviously dug up a lot of "stuff".


Dear person that gave birth to me:


Damn you for calling me a selfish bitch over and over again.

Damn you for not listening.  Over and over again. To this day even.

Damn you for manipulating me.

Damn you for not accepting what I did as good enough.

Damn you for not sticking up for your family.

Damn you for making dad hit me.

Damn you!  Damn you!  Damn you!

I know things weren't easy for you. I know you took your fair share of shit as a kid. But damn you for thinking I could solve all your problems!

I was a kid!  I was doing my best to please you so you would stay off my back, but nothing was ever good enough. There was always one more spec of food on the dishes before they went in the dishwasher. There was always one more spec of dirt in the bathroom sink. You would never let me do things on my own because you were afraid of the mess it would cause.

You think you did an awesome thing by putting me in the hospital for two years, but then you want a fucking pat on the back because YOUR insurance paid for it. It's your fucking job as a parent to raise me. It's a thankless job.  But you do it anyway. You don't put your child on guilt trips because you don't think they show you enough gratitude?

With all the shit you pulled, why the hell would I have an ounce of gratitude for you?!  Because you gave birth to me?  You could've done us both a favor and skipped it.

You try to make up for all your mistakes by telling me how great I am. But guess what. I don't believe a word you say.

I'm Sick of Fighting

Why is it so hard to just feel good?  I don't want to feel like shit all the time. I fight like hell to not feel like shit, but when I feel good, a piece of me is trying to make me feel like shit again. What the hell??? I have had this fight going on inside my head all evening. I keep telling myself "Everything is going to be ok". I'm sure I've said it 1,000 times tonight, buy the moment I stop, bad shit washes over me and I've got to fight through it over and over again. I'm so tired of fighting. Part of me wants to give up and let this shit consume me because I'm so sick of fighting. But every time I try to stop fighting, something inside me starts saying "Everything is going to be ok". I'm so sick of life lessons. I need a damn break from them.  However, I think I'm going through this new round of shit so that I can see that I'm stronger. If only I would stop fighting it!!!

Be Careful With What You Ask For

Well, when you go looking for it, life will bring it to you.   I've been struggling with how calmly I handled crap that happened earlier this week. Yes, you read that right - struggling with how well I handled something.   And struggling with a feeling of lack of emotions. Well, today I learned I do still indeed have emotions and they will hit me like a ton of bricks and the worst time.

I was out trying to run a couple errands and within five minutes, I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Seriously, who gets pulled over for shit like that. Apparently I do, because I am a cop magnet.  You'd think being married to one would exempt you from stuff like this, but it doesn't.

Within a minute of the cop approaching my car, I had lost it. I don't think the officer knew what happen. One minute he's telling me he pulled me over for not having my seatbelt on and the next minute I'm balling my eyes out. And then a second cop showed up. I swear I thought they were going to put me away for having a mental breakdown. Maybe I should've taken them up on their offer to call an ambulance. I'm less likely to screw anything up if I'm locked up with all the other crazies.

Someone on Facebook pointed out that maybe getting pulled over saved me from something worse happening. Maybe. Everything does happen for a reason.

I know one thing, If life is trying to teach me something I'd sure like to know what the hell it is.   It needs to make things a little more clear for me because I'm obviously not getting the hints. I dunno, maybe I'm being tested so I can see how much stronger I am. Maybe it's a lesson teaching me to quit questioning the fact that I'm feeling better and listen to that voice that keeps telling me to let this stupid stuff go.  Maybe something awesome is about to happen and karma is requiring I pay in advance for it. I sure hope I'm paid up because I'm just about broke!

Change in Emotions

On Tuesday I had a seriously rough day.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it through this med change.  And then I remebered to actually take my meds.  I also got some unexpected good news about something I was toturing myself over.  I knew I was overreacting and that I should have listened to my instincts a month ago.

On Thursday I fell asleep while driving and woke up just in time to see a car making a left hand turn. I couldn't stop in time and smashed into the side of the car. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also got arrested for a driving with a suspended license.  Didn't even know I had a suspended license.  If this would have happened on Tuesday, I would have fallen apart. I wouldn't have been able to keep myself together as well as I did. I held myself together so well that I wasn't sure who this person in my body was. I cried a little bit twice, but was able to pull myself together fairly quickly.

This wreck ruined my big father's day gift to Magnus.  We were going camping for a long weekend and he was really looking forward to it. The wreck also brought up a lot of other junk that upset him. He wasn't mad at me, and for once I believed him.

As a matter of fact, I haven't had much emotion about anything since Tuesday.  These massive THINGS that would have sent me into a huge depression and on some very exotic guilt trips to far away locations.  This wreck has hardly phased me. I mean it sucks.  My van could be totaled and we are less than a year away from paying it off. My insurance might drop me because this is the scond claim I've had filed in a week.  But, for whatever reason, I'm not phased by it.  I have hardly thought about the new things I've been too afraid to try. As a matter of fact, I did something Tuesday without giving it two thoughts before hand.   I just did it and had complete peace about it.  I haven't even gotten myself worked up into a "sky is falling tizzy" over nothing resulting from it yet either. I'm a little impatient about it, but not worried. It's so bizzare.

All of this lack of intense emotions is bizzare.  Almost a numbness.  I start to freak out about it, but something snaps me out of it before I get going.   I'm also bored.  I don't feel like doing much of anything but playing games on my iPad or play on FB.  And dare I say there is a part of me that actually misses these intense emotions?  I wouldn't say I miss them enough to want to bring them back, but I miss them. I probably miss the highs. I kind of wonder if I'm trying to bring myself down so I can have a high to bring me back.

I should probably wrap this up some way, but I don't know how. So, consider this the wrap up.

Taking Control

Have you ever thought about how powerful control is?

Control - The situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another.

When we feel like we are in control, we feel safe and secure. Life is good when we are in control.  On the other hand, if we feel like something in our life is spinning out of control, we panic. Panic causes more loss of control and we start a downward spiraling loss of ourselves.  Sometimes that spiral is so fast we can't seem to stop it and other times it's a slow descend. We know it's happening, but it feels like there is no way to stop it.

There are lots of things we don't think we feel like we have control over. The weather, traffic, work, stupid people, etc. But guess what!  We have control over ALL those things. We have control of those things because we have control of ourselves.

No, we can't help whether it's sunny or cloudy, but we can control our reaction to it. We can't control what stupid people do, but we can choose whether or not we are going to let it piss us off.   By controlling yourself and how you react to things you are actually in control of everything!  Think about that for a minute.

I'll be the first one to tell you it's no easy feat to keep your emotions in check.  And I'm definitely NOT very good about controlling my reactions to things, but I'm learning. Slowly. It's not something that can be changed overnight, but it can be changed.  Start with little things.  Raining today?  Oh well!  It's sunny in my head and that's what matters!  Somebody snapped at you for no reason?  Who cares!  It's not your problem, it's theirs!  Really, it is. They are the one in a pissy mood about something. Don't take on their crap and let it ruin your day.  YOU are in control, not them!

I'm practicing this a lot at work, A LOT.  My job is full of procedures. Lots of stupid little procedures that make no sense to anyone with half a brain and have no significant impact on the outcome of my work. BUT!, they are procedures and they must be followed no matter how much time or money is wasted in the process. It used to really upset me.  This stuff got to me to the point I would be in tears.   And then I realized something. There isn't a damn thing I can do about how stupid this stuff is, but I can decide whether or not I'm going to end up in tears about it.  Now, I just laugh and roll my eyes. Laughing feels soooo much better than crying!

I hope this post will inspire you to pick one thing, no matter how insignificant it may seem, but one thing that controls you and go kick its ass!!!  Kick it hard!!!  Kick it so hard it won't want to come back. Ever!!!  Tell it to eff off mothereffer!!!  Whatever you need to do, DO IT!!!

You won't believe how good you will fell when YOU are in control of you instead of everything else being in control of you.

I Might Not Survive This

Someone has given me some new perspective tonight on something that was bothering me way too much.  I feel a TON better about a lot of things since I wrote this.  I debated not posting it, but this isn't the first time I've had these thoughts and it probably won't be the last...  






I'm not sure I'm going to survive this med change let alone anyone that comes in contact with me.

One minute I am perfectly fine and the next minute I am drowning in an abyss of despair. All it takes is for someone to speak to me. That's it.
Ask me a question and I immediately flip out.  I try to control myself at the same time, but the kids can tell something is wrong and they think it's them.

The Boy takes my reactions to things very hard. I have gone through difficult times in the past and he mimics them. If I fall into a fit of tears over something petty, he will fall into a fit a tears over nothing. If I bite people's heads off, he will do the same. And then I feel like I've fucked my kid up even more. That poor boy. I have projected so much shit on him.   What did he deserve to get that?  Not a damn thing except being born my child.

 Any time I think of something I am wanting to try, self hate immediately kicks in.  I try talking myself out of it, but that just makes it worse.   I just want to give in, but I can't, but I want to.  The conflict just builds and builds until I bust out in tears.   I try listening to music, but the words just piss me off or create more self hate. I try reading, but I just start hating myself for all kinds of stupid shit.  Basically, I just hate myself and yell at myself for hating myself.

Of course this would all be better if I just took my new meds, but I forget them.  And I don't really know that things would be better, it's just what I tell myself to make myself feel even worse.  That appears to be my favorite thing to do. Self Destruct.  I'm actually pretty awesome at it. Maybe If I could do other things as awesomely as I self destruct I wouldn't be so fucked up...

High Expectations - Too High

Sorry for the lack of paragraph breaks. The power is out so I'm posting this via my phone and for some reason blogger won't acknowledge line breaks. Anywho... I bought an antique trunk last weekend and The Boy was very interested in how much I paid for it. I explained that I negotiated a price and that it is worth more than I paid for it.  He wanted to sell it immediately.  I of course do not want to sell it.   Later in that evening after hours of pondering how he could have more money if I would just sell the trunk he declared he is selling it as soon as I die. I love you too son.  If you don't already know, I'm a huge Auction Hunters fan, and like any good mom would, I've gotten The Boy hooked on it.   This got me thinking....  Getting The Boy involved in auctions would be a fun thing to do.  With a little guidance and  seed money from mom, he can buy things and resell them for a little profit.   It would be a fun way to learn about old things, teach him discipline, teach him how to negotiate, how to manage money and give him a creative outlet.   Now, I'm not talking storage unit auctions because this momma doesn't have energy or space for all that. And I can only imagine the first time he opens a box of toys...  I'm thinking more along the lines of estate auctions. They seem pretty straight forward, have a lot less risk and you can limit the amount of crap you haul home (theoretically anyway). But here is my problem. The same problem I have with any new thing I want to try. I might make a mistake. To me, a mistake is a failure.  And if I make a mistake with The Boy, than he won't enjoy this.  I know this is all irrational. I know that you learn from your mistakes and you'll never learn anything if you never try. But, that doesn't stop the racing thoughts of ALL the mistakes I could make.  What if I pay to much for something.  Even if I do pay too much, it's not like I threw all the money out the window. I did get something and I can get some of my money back.  It is only money.  What if I lose the bid?  Rationally, I know I'm the smarter one by not paying to much, but what if I guessed wrong and could have paid more and still come out ahead?   I also expect myself to become an expert in everything the next two weeks. Cuz that's completely reasonable to expect.  I also like to start things and then stop them once I see any sign that I'm doing well. What a freaking contradiction I play with myself...  I expect myself to be perfect and then spaz out when I see any evidence that I'm doing good.   I haven't quite figured out what that is all about other than the fact I enjoy torturing myself...

It's Not the Twenty Times I Succeed, It's the One Time I FAIL

Something happened yesterday that has sent me on a tailspin. I was already heading there. The first two things that sent me spiraling were my therapist telling me I was doing well and my new med doc diagnosing me with PTSD.  I still haven't processed THAT.

The "thing" that happened was so piddly that I really shouldn't be so out of sorts about it. And yes, of course it really isn't about the thing that didn't happen, it's about something bigger than that. The one time a comment  I made isn't acknowledged it means I'm worthless.  Never mind the last twenty comments that were acknowledged.  I have no freaking perspective.  Ahhhh the life of having "intense" emotions!  When it's good, it's REAL good and when it's bad, it's REAL bad!

Once my downward spiral starts, I start asking myself what is wrong with me. What the hell IS my problem anyway. And then that thought generates a whole laundry list of reasons why I feel so unworthy and worthless.

My mom's mom didn't like me or my dad. Seriously, when I was in college, the man wouldn't acknowledge me.  He never acknowledged my marriage or my children.  He blamed my dad and I for all of my mom's mental issues.  But it was completely ok for his son to steal from him on multiple occasions.   What did my mom do?  Ran to him every fucking time and wouldn't stand up to him. Why?  Because she thinks she was daddy's little girl. Years later she would try that shit on me. Told me Magnus wanted her dead because he wouldn't fix a bump in a rug for her. Boy did I let her have it. After I made a trip to bail her out of jail and temporarily moved her into my house she had the nerve. This wasn't the first time. When they found out we were moving for Magnus's new job they accused me of leaving them to rot away and die. Seriously?!  They thought that little of me. Never mind they had both left their parents. WTF?

My mom not defending my dad and I made me feel like she didn't care about her family. She didn't love us enough to stand up to that waste of human life and tell him where to go.

I realize my mom had her own issues and that's why she wouldn't stand up to her dad. He used to beat my grandmother. Worthless sake of shit.

When I start seeing my mom as a person with her own issues and reasons why she did the things she did I want to forgive her. But I'm not sure if it's really forgiveness or me
making excuses for her so I can take down the fence I've erected between us because I feel guilty about that.   I can't forgive her. I don't have enough strength to maintain "healthy" boundaries if I forgive her. I know I have to get there though. Because if I don't, this shit will continue to own me.

Back Peddling

I committed to buying an antique trunk today.  I really liked it when I saw it, I've wanted one for awhile and I thought it was a good deal.  I told Magnus and he doesn't care. Now I'm regretting it big time. I feel like a total ass. This year Magnus and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. He wants to go on a small trip. I'm convinced we can't afford it.  And then I go and spend money on a stupid trunk. What the hell was I thinking?  What the hell am I thinking for wondering what the hell was I thinking?   I'm self destructing our plans for a trip. Obviously there is a reason, but I'm not at a point I can admit what that reason is. Perhaps I'm afraid of spending time alone with him. Why am I afraid of spending time alone with him?  Because I don't think I deserve him. I think I'm also struggling with the fact I bought something for myself. I usually don't have a problem with this. Actually, I do, but it manifests itself by me not being able to find anything I like or anything that fits. That and I always find things for the kids or Magnus. I'm getting my hair cut Saturday and now that's stressing me out. I just committed to buying this damn trunk and I'm going to spend too much money getting my hair cut. God dammit, I was feeling pretty good about things in general and now I'm losing sleep over a damn trunk and a fucking haircut. I'm such an idiot!

My First Blog Award

I'm not going to lie, I see these blog awards go around sometimes and that perfectionist part of me comes out and really wants one.  So, imagine how EXCITED I was when I received my first blog award from What Inside Voice? and The Brady Bunch on Crack!

I started this blog as a way of kicking The Blob's ass and proving to myself that I could accomplish something.  But, I haven't kicked The Blob's ass alone, all of you wonderful readers kick that Blob's ass every time you read a post!  And hopefully you are learning to kick your own blob's ass!

There are a couple things I'm supposed to do upon the receipt of this award:

1) Thank and link back the awarding blog
2) Answer 7 questions
3) Provide 10 random facts about yourself
4) Award 7 other deserving bloggers

The Questions

1) What is your favorite song?  At this moment, anything Phillip Phillips has sang.  But, if I had to chose ONE, it would be Volcano.


2) What is your favorite dessert?  Chocolate cake.


3) What do you do when you are upset? Vent, drink, eat chocolate, cry, snap at my kids, and beat myself up about how worthless I am and if gets REALLY bad, want to jump in front of a train.


4) What is your favorite pet?  Our Golden Retriever Dusty who passed away a couple years ago.


5) Which do you prefer, White or Wheat? Wheat.  Gotta do something to counteract all the chocolate.


6) What is your biggest fear? Failing.


7) What is your attitude mostly? I need more wine!

10 Random Facts


1) I've never met a wine I didn't like

2) I'm a beer snob

3) I don't let myself believe I'm smart

4) I spent two years in a hospital for depression when I was 15

5) I love Kate Middleton and have a fascination with the royal family, but I've missed the entire Diamond Jubilee celebration...

6) I haven't had a hair cut in almost a year

7) I have a quiet side, but no one believes me

8) When I was in college, some girlfriends and I left in the middle of the night for an impromptu road trip to Chicago.

9) I am a huge fan of Downton Abbey and suffer serious withdrawals from it.

10) I fly off the handle easily (really, I do).


7 other blogs to award...  GESSH!  Everybody has already been awarded, but I'll give it a shot!

Too Smart For Her Own Good - Man, can I relate to this!

I Will Get Up Again - She's going to kill me for this, but y'all need to know she's out there.

What I Really Meant to Say - This lady cracks me up 8 ways from Sunday!

A Bit of Personality - She's my bloggy twin, I swear it! (I can't find her blog right now, go check her out on FB)

OK, I'm running out of steam on this and I'm feeling highly pressured (by myself) to get this out there.

My First World Problem

Now that summer is here and the kids are out of school, the kids are at home with a sitter and it's nearly impossible for me to work from home. That means when I'm not working out of the office, I have to be in the office instead of working from home. I know, it's a real first world problem. I am fortunate to have a job, even if it isn't the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done, it's easy and it's a paycheck. When I am in the office, I get very antsy. The place is so quiet you can hear a straw of hay fall on the ground. Since I don't function well in quiet, I get chatty and want to talk to people.  There are managers that make it their job to police this place to make sure people are working and not talking.   I also have a very difficult time focusing. So if I'm posting a lot on the Facebook page, you know why. Sent from my iPhone

Learning to Fly

I'm still working on this whole concept of trying to be happy. I truly want to be able to have happy thoughts and not fear feeling joy My recent time alone has given me an unexpected push in that direction.  And one of my blogger friends, Amanda was in an all to familiar downward spiral of despair and asked how do happy people make themselves happy.   For me, it's not a question of making myself happy. It's LETTING myself be happy.  Before you can even think about making yourself happy, you have to allow yourself to be happy. A much more difficult thing to do. A  very long time ago, I decided to quit being happy so that I wouldn't have to feel disappointment.  It made complete sense, and still does honestly.  If you don't want to feel something, avoid it.  The way I avoided happiness was to hold on to all the pain. By allowing myself to remain in pain, I felt in control.  You cant hurt me with disappointment if I am in control. But the funny thing is, the more I have hung on to all this baggage, the more out of control I became.  I'm really not in control of me at all, my pain is in control of me and it is slowly killing me. Killing my spirit. Making me a toxic person. So, instead of being in control of my pain, I'm going to be in control of my happiness. I'm not letting anyone take my happiness away from me. I am in control of it. Nobody else.

Time Alone

Somehow, the planets aligned and I had a house to myself for three days. The kids were staying at their grandma's and Magnus had to go out of town for work.

I truly did not know what to do with myself!  Of course I went and stocked up on wine, frozen dinners and ice cream, but then what?  Should I use this time to clean the house up.  Go through dressers and closets and purge old clothes. Tackle the garage and clear all the clutter.  How many times have I told myself "if only I had a few days of nobody in my hair, I could get so much done!"

The first night Magnus and I were without the kids I cried. Balled my eyes out. Not because the kids were gone, but because I didn't know what to do with myself.  I have been wound so tight and had been pushing myself for so long, I couldn't let go. It was scary.  I don't really know why it was scary. Probably because not worrying is such an unfamiliar feeling to me. As much as I consciously tell myself I don't give a shit, there is a little  voice in the back of my head worrying.

The first evening by myself I drank an entire bottle of wine and watched the Auction Hunters marathon. It was bliss!  Just me, wine and Allen Haff. No whining about watching cartoons, no flipping channels every five seconds, no nothing!

I woke up the next morning feeling very alone.  Lost and unsettled. I felt like that most of the day. Somehow I got over it. Maybe it was the other bottle of wine!  By the end of the second night, I had managed to finish another bottle of wine and watch six episodes of season two of Downton Abbey.  A Cousin Matthew marathon!

Night three is upon me. Magnus is coming home tonight, but late. Tomorrow we go pick up the kids. I must admit that for as lonely and lost I felt at the beginning, I thought I would be more ready to see everyone. I'm not ready!  I'm enjoying myself too much!!!  I haven't done one productive thing and I don't care. Instead of worrying about all the stuff I didn't accomplish, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my last night away from reality!

I'm a little nervous about the world coming back. I've had very few thoughts in my head and for some reason I feel like that's all going to change when everyone is back. I feel like I'm going to lose this little piece of me that I haven't known in a long time.  It doesn't have to be that way though. These few days have enabled me to let go of a lot.  Im hoping I will be able to leave it all in the past. Summer is here. No rushing around in the morning, no after school activities, no homework, just fun.

Instead of inviting worry back into my mind, I'm going to focus on having a fun summer and finding ways to continue embracing the feeling of nothingness in my mind.