High Expectations - Too High

Sorry for the lack of paragraph breaks. The power is out so I'm posting this via my phone and for some reason blogger won't acknowledge line breaks. Anywho... I bought an antique trunk last weekend and The Boy was very interested in how much I paid for it. I explained that I negotiated a price and that it is worth more than I paid for it.  He wanted to sell it immediately.  I of course do not want to sell it.   Later in that evening after hours of pondering how he could have more money if I would just sell the trunk he declared he is selling it as soon as I die. I love you too son.  If you don't already know, I'm a huge Auction Hunters fan, and like any good mom would, I've gotten The Boy hooked on it.   This got me thinking....  Getting The Boy involved in auctions would be a fun thing to do.  With a little guidance and  seed money from mom, he can buy things and resell them for a little profit.   It would be a fun way to learn about old things, teach him discipline, teach him how to negotiate, how to manage money and give him a creative outlet.   Now, I'm not talking storage unit auctions because this momma doesn't have energy or space for all that. And I can only imagine the first time he opens a box of toys...  I'm thinking more along the lines of estate auctions. They seem pretty straight forward, have a lot less risk and you can limit the amount of crap you haul home (theoretically anyway). But here is my problem. The same problem I have with any new thing I want to try. I might make a mistake. To me, a mistake is a failure.  And if I make a mistake with The Boy, than he won't enjoy this.  I know this is all irrational. I know that you learn from your mistakes and you'll never learn anything if you never try. But, that doesn't stop the racing thoughts of ALL the mistakes I could make.  What if I pay to much for something.  Even if I do pay too much, it's not like I threw all the money out the window. I did get something and I can get some of my money back.  It is only money.  What if I lose the bid?  Rationally, I know I'm the smarter one by not paying to much, but what if I guessed wrong and could have paid more and still come out ahead?   I also expect myself to become an expert in everything the next two weeks. Cuz that's completely reasonable to expect.  I also like to start things and then stop them once I see any sign that I'm doing well. What a freaking contradiction I play with myself...  I expect myself to be perfect and then spaz out when I see any evidence that I'm doing good.   I haven't quite figured out what that is all about other than the fact I enjoy torturing myself...

It's Not the Twenty Times I Succeed, It's the One Time I FAIL

Something happened yesterday that has sent me on a tailspin. I was already heading there. The first two things that sent me spiraling were my therapist telling me I was doing well and my new med doc diagnosing me with PTSD.  I still haven't processed THAT.

The "thing" that happened was so piddly that I really shouldn't be so out of sorts about it. And yes, of course it really isn't about the thing that didn't happen, it's about something bigger than that. The one time a comment  I made isn't acknowledged it means I'm worthless.  Never mind the last twenty comments that were acknowledged.  I have no freaking perspective.  Ahhhh the life of having "intense" emotions!  When it's good, it's REAL good and when it's bad, it's REAL bad!

Once my downward spiral starts, I start asking myself what is wrong with me. What the hell IS my problem anyway. And then that thought generates a whole laundry list of reasons why I feel so unworthy and worthless.

My mom's mom didn't like me or my dad. Seriously, when I was in college, the man wouldn't acknowledge me.  He never acknowledged my marriage or my children.  He blamed my dad and I for all of my mom's mental issues.  But it was completely ok for his son to steal from him on multiple occasions.   What did my mom do?  Ran to him every fucking time and wouldn't stand up to him. Why?  Because she thinks she was daddy's little girl. Years later she would try that shit on me. Told me Magnus wanted her dead because he wouldn't fix a bump in a rug for her. Boy did I let her have it. After I made a trip to bail her out of jail and temporarily moved her into my house she had the nerve. This wasn't the first time. When they found out we were moving for Magnus's new job they accused me of leaving them to rot away and die. Seriously?!  They thought that little of me. Never mind they had both left their parents. WTF?

My mom not defending my dad and I made me feel like she didn't care about her family. She didn't love us enough to stand up to that waste of human life and tell him where to go.

I realize my mom had her own issues and that's why she wouldn't stand up to her dad. He used to beat my grandmother. Worthless sake of shit.

When I start seeing my mom as a person with her own issues and reasons why she did the things she did I want to forgive her. But I'm not sure if it's really forgiveness or me
making excuses for her so I can take down the fence I've erected between us because I feel guilty about that.   I can't forgive her. I don't have enough strength to maintain "healthy" boundaries if I forgive her. I know I have to get there though. Because if I don't, this shit will continue to own me.

Back Peddling

I committed to buying an antique trunk today.  I really liked it when I saw it, I've wanted one for awhile and I thought it was a good deal.  I told Magnus and he doesn't care. Now I'm regretting it big time. I feel like a total ass. This year Magnus and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. He wants to go on a small trip. I'm convinced we can't afford it.  And then I go and spend money on a stupid trunk. What the hell was I thinking?  What the hell am I thinking for wondering what the hell was I thinking?   I'm self destructing our plans for a trip. Obviously there is a reason, but I'm not at a point I can admit what that reason is. Perhaps I'm afraid of spending time alone with him. Why am I afraid of spending time alone with him?  Because I don't think I deserve him. I think I'm also struggling with the fact I bought something for myself. I usually don't have a problem with this. Actually, I do, but it manifests itself by me not being able to find anything I like or anything that fits. That and I always find things for the kids or Magnus. I'm getting my hair cut Saturday and now that's stressing me out. I just committed to buying this damn trunk and I'm going to spend too much money getting my hair cut. God dammit, I was feeling pretty good about things in general and now I'm losing sleep over a damn trunk and a fucking haircut. I'm such an idiot!

My First Blog Award

I'm not going to lie, I see these blog awards go around sometimes and that perfectionist part of me comes out and really wants one.  So, imagine how EXCITED I was when I received my first blog award from What Inside Voice? and The Brady Bunch on Crack!

I started this blog as a way of kicking The Blob's ass and proving to myself that I could accomplish something.  But, I haven't kicked The Blob's ass alone, all of you wonderful readers kick that Blob's ass every time you read a post!  And hopefully you are learning to kick your own blob's ass!

There are a couple things I'm supposed to do upon the receipt of this award:

1) Thank and link back the awarding blog
2) Answer 7 questions
3) Provide 10 random facts about yourself
4) Award 7 other deserving bloggers

The Questions

1) What is your favorite song?  At this moment, anything Phillip Phillips has sang.  But, if I had to chose ONE, it would be Volcano.


2) What is your favorite dessert?  Chocolate cake.


3) What do you do when you are upset? Vent, drink, eat chocolate, cry, snap at my kids, and beat myself up about how worthless I am and if gets REALLY bad, want to jump in front of a train.


4) What is your favorite pet?  Our Golden Retriever Dusty who passed away a couple years ago.


5) Which do you prefer, White or Wheat? Wheat.  Gotta do something to counteract all the chocolate.


6) What is your biggest fear? Failing.


7) What is your attitude mostly? I need more wine!

10 Random Facts


1) I've never met a wine I didn't like

2) I'm a beer snob

3) I don't let myself believe I'm smart

4) I spent two years in a hospital for depression when I was 15

5) I love Kate Middleton and have a fascination with the royal family, but I've missed the entire Diamond Jubilee celebration...

6) I haven't had a hair cut in almost a year

7) I have a quiet side, but no one believes me

8) When I was in college, some girlfriends and I left in the middle of the night for an impromptu road trip to Chicago.

9) I am a huge fan of Downton Abbey and suffer serious withdrawals from it.

10) I fly off the handle easily (really, I do).


7 other blogs to award...  GESSH!  Everybody has already been awarded, but I'll give it a shot!

Too Smart For Her Own Good - Man, can I relate to this!

I Will Get Up Again - She's going to kill me for this, but y'all need to know she's out there.

What I Really Meant to Say - This lady cracks me up 8 ways from Sunday!

A Bit of Personality - She's my bloggy twin, I swear it! (I can't find her blog right now, go check her out on FB)

OK, I'm running out of steam on this and I'm feeling highly pressured (by myself) to get this out there.

My First World Problem

Now that summer is here and the kids are out of school, the kids are at home with a sitter and it's nearly impossible for me to work from home. That means when I'm not working out of the office, I have to be in the office instead of working from home. I know, it's a real first world problem. I am fortunate to have a job, even if it isn't the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done, it's easy and it's a paycheck. When I am in the office, I get very antsy. The place is so quiet you can hear a straw of hay fall on the ground. Since I don't function well in quiet, I get chatty and want to talk to people.  There are managers that make it their job to police this place to make sure people are working and not talking.   I also have a very difficult time focusing. So if I'm posting a lot on the Facebook page, you know why. Sent from my iPhone

Learning to Fly

I'm still working on this whole concept of trying to be happy. I truly want to be able to have happy thoughts and not fear feeling joy My recent time alone has given me an unexpected push in that direction.  And one of my blogger friends, Amanda was in an all to familiar downward spiral of despair and asked how do happy people make themselves happy.   For me, it's not a question of making myself happy. It's LETTING myself be happy.  Before you can even think about making yourself happy, you have to allow yourself to be happy. A much more difficult thing to do. A  very long time ago, I decided to quit being happy so that I wouldn't have to feel disappointment.  It made complete sense, and still does honestly.  If you don't want to feel something, avoid it.  The way I avoided happiness was to hold on to all the pain. By allowing myself to remain in pain, I felt in control.  You cant hurt me with disappointment if I am in control. But the funny thing is, the more I have hung on to all this baggage, the more out of control I became.  I'm really not in control of me at all, my pain is in control of me and it is slowly killing me. Killing my spirit. Making me a toxic person. So, instead of being in control of my pain, I'm going to be in control of my happiness. I'm not letting anyone take my happiness away from me. I am in control of it. Nobody else.

Time Alone

Somehow, the planets aligned and I had a house to myself for three days. The kids were staying at their grandma's and Magnus had to go out of town for work.

I truly did not know what to do with myself!  Of course I went and stocked up on wine, frozen dinners and ice cream, but then what?  Should I use this time to clean the house up.  Go through dressers and closets and purge old clothes. Tackle the garage and clear all the clutter.  How many times have I told myself "if only I had a few days of nobody in my hair, I could get so much done!"

The first night Magnus and I were without the kids I cried. Balled my eyes out. Not because the kids were gone, but because I didn't know what to do with myself.  I have been wound so tight and had been pushing myself for so long, I couldn't let go. It was scary.  I don't really know why it was scary. Probably because not worrying is such an unfamiliar feeling to me. As much as I consciously tell myself I don't give a shit, there is a little  voice in the back of my head worrying.

The first evening by myself I drank an entire bottle of wine and watched the Auction Hunters marathon. It was bliss!  Just me, wine and Allen Haff. No whining about watching cartoons, no flipping channels every five seconds, no nothing!

I woke up the next morning feeling very alone.  Lost and unsettled. I felt like that most of the day. Somehow I got over it. Maybe it was the other bottle of wine!  By the end of the second night, I had managed to finish another bottle of wine and watch six episodes of season two of Downton Abbey.  A Cousin Matthew marathon!

Night three is upon me. Magnus is coming home tonight, but late. Tomorrow we go pick up the kids. I must admit that for as lonely and lost I felt at the beginning, I thought I would be more ready to see everyone. I'm not ready!  I'm enjoying myself too much!!!  I haven't done one productive thing and I don't care. Instead of worrying about all the stuff I didn't accomplish, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my last night away from reality!

I'm a little nervous about the world coming back. I've had very few thoughts in my head and for some reason I feel like that's all going to change when everyone is back. I feel like I'm going to lose this little piece of me that I haven't known in a long time.  It doesn't have to be that way though. These few days have enabled me to let go of a lot.  Im hoping I will be able to leave it all in the past. Summer is here. No rushing around in the morning, no after school activities, no homework, just fun.

Instead of inviting worry back into my mind, I'm going to focus on having a fun summer and finding ways to continue embracing the feeling of nothingness in my mind.