I've spent a lot of energy beating myself up for not being a happier person. The past five years haven't been the best, but when I put it in perspective it sure could have been a lot worse. But even knowing this, I'm not happy. I'm not sure I'm wired for happiness. See, look at that hopeless statement.
I often ask myself why can't I feel blessed for what I have and get over myself. Why can't I be one of those people that walks down the street feeling blessed just to be alive. To be happy no matter how much crap is thrown my way. To never get down on things when life hands me an orchard full of lemons. I've got it way better than lots of people out there, so what the hell is wrong with me?
I was having a talk with one of my friends on a day I was feeling sorry for myself and she told me to "just be happy". This is a friend that tried to get pregnant for over five years. When she finally got pregnant, she developed complications and had her baby at 27 weeks He died at two weeks old. As if that wasn't enough, she learned she had cancer. OMG! How does one go through this and come through it feeling blessed and able to tell someone else to "just be happy". And what the hell is wrong with me that I can't "just be happy"
My therapist (everyone say hi to Jennifer, my therapist because she reads this and asked for a shout out) says its because I'm real. As opposed to being fake. I'm real because I experience emotions at a deeper level than happy people.
She says that people that are always happy are just protecting themselves from feeling the painful emotions someone like me does. She would know too because she's one of these "glass is always half full" happy people. So being happy no matter what is just a defense mechanism that people use to avoid feeling painful emotions.
I have to be honest with you, I sure wish I was one of these people, at least some of the time. I feel like I am always emotionally spent because of how "real" I am.
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