Meeting My Self Critical Voice

Yesterday I was finally able to meet my self critical voice. The one that yells at me when I make the smallest mistake and makes me terrified to make decisions.  The one that won't let me get rid of this weight because she thinks it keeps her safe.

She's a little girl that was born to fail. Her parents were train wrecks for each other, but didn't see it.  A little over a year into their marriage, things rocky, so they had a baby to fix it. Surely that would bring them together.

I first grade she had a chance to be in the gifted program at school, but then her grade started slipping. All through grade school she wanted to be in "smart kids" class, but was always put in the "average kids" class.

She continued to grow up watching her parents fight and being manipulated my her mother. There was screaming, name calling, police, etc.  Her mother wanted her to hate her father. But deep down she couldn't.  She was called all sorts of names and told she deserved to be hit by a a person with family services.

Then she became a teenager. She had the "wrong" kind of friends, smoked, and stole for her friends' drug money.  They weren't good for her, but they accepted her. Even though she had to pay them.

Later in her teen years she developed sever pain in her back and couldn't go to school for two years. She was in the hospital for countless tests, but nothing was found. Her parents psychiatrist said it was all from my head.   Her psychiatrist also saved her. He convinced her parents to put her in a mental institution for two years.

It was the best two years of her life. She went to school, had friends messed up like she was, had a boyfriend and even went to prom. It was a safe place, a place where she wasn't responsible for keeping her parents marriage together.  In her senior year of school, she had to go home because the insurance stopped paying.

She somehow managed to graduate high school and went to college. Her mom shot down almost every school she wanted to go to.  But, in the end she was finally free of her parents.

After college, she moved back to her parents house and did everything she could to stay away. She worked two jobs, went back to school for her masters degree and spent time with her new boyfriend.

She later married that boyfriend and has had an incredible ten years of marriage and two thriving happy children.

But she doesn't see how much she has overcome and how successful she has been.   She doesn't understand why her husband loves her.  All she sees is the mistakes she's made.  All the times she had failed.

And now that she has met her self critical voice, she understands on a deeper level why she struggles. Why she won't be loved, why she can't lose weight, why she can't truly live.

Through all this crap, she has had another voice. A voice that won't let her quit. A voice her self critical voice screams at. But, that other voice is getting stronger and it will get louder.

You Just Have to Go For It

A wise man who I admire the hell out of recently told me you "Just have to go for it. You won't always win, but eventually you will and then you will have momentum. Good things come from good things."

The only way I'm going to get there is to just start doing it. Stop thinking about it and just do it.

Yes it's scary as hell. Yes staying with what I know is safer. But staying safe is also staying miserable.

I've got to start letting go. Stop fearing the tears. Stop trying to be strong. Because hanging on out of fear is not strength. Stubbornness maybe, but not strength.

"Don't delay awakening by studying the darkness.  Step into the light" - Alan Cohen

Unplanned Ramblings

I don't know how you do it. You have challenges and struggles just like everyone else, but somehow you rise above them and use them to make yourself and others better. I just run the other way.

Perfectionism, passion, intensity, intelligence, control.  I fear them and they make me want to run and hide.  I have always seen these things as negatives, but you show me they can be used as positives.   My son struggles with these things too and I introduced him to the show so he could see someone approach life the way you try to.

I see the things you do, wonder how you do it and convince myself I can't do anything like that.  I'm too lazy. In reality, I'm scared.  Exactly what I'm afraid of I'm not sure of. Part of it is failing. I think another part of it is criticism.

I admire you self awareness, personal strength and confidence. It's what gets you through the crap you are handed.  It's what gives you the ability to do what you do and let go of the junk.  It's what will help me conquer my fears.

Round Two

I have my second EMDR treatment tomorrow.   I'm trying not to think about it because I'm dreading it. I've been debating whether or not I want to come up with excuses to not do it.

The only way I'm going to truly be better and stop being so afraid of everything is to go through this process.  I know that. But, as much as I know that, I'm still so damn scared to feel better. I'm afraid to dig all this shit up. All this shit that I have worked so damn hard to stuff.

I feel stuck. I'm understanding more of what makes me feel the way I do and what is triggering my emotions, but when it comes to going through the EMDR process and talking myself out of my negative thoughts, I am completely overwhelmed.

And now that I'm starting to really think about this, I'm becoming overwhelmed again, so I'm going to drink some wine and focus on my distractions.