Last week someone told me about losing a parent and today it's making me very sad for some reason. And then it hit me... I'm finally letting go of my mom.
Yesterday I told her I can't handle talking to her anymore. I can't speak to her about anything, not even the weather without getting completely agitated.
She doesn't listen to me. I tell her it doesn't matter what her excuse or reasoning is for something, but she's got to tell me anyway. No matter what, because somehow it's going to make a difference, but it never does.
She tried telling me about how hard it was to overcome the crappy stuff her dad did to her, but she did because she wanted a relationship with him. But, all I wonder is why she wanted a relationship with a man that wouldn't recognize her husband, her daughter or her grandkids. There comes a point in time where you realize a relationship with a parent can't continue because no matter how much they love you, they can't give you want you need. She wants me to sacrifice my feelings and my well being so we can have a relationship. I can't do that.
I don't blame her for her behavior and how it a ffects me. Both my parents tried the best they could, but they never should have been parents. They were both so broken and are still broken. They will always be broken.
My mom doesn't understand how I can not blame her and still not want to have a relationship with her. She thinks things have been better the last 6 months or so. But, six months of good doesn't negate 30+ years of bad. She says I've changed since I moved here. With all that I have been through, how could any person not change? How can a person not change when they have to bail their parent out of jail, move them in with you, take them to court in another state, help them find a new place to live and move all their shit and then be called horrible names and accuses your husband of wanting her dead? Yes, she was mentally unstable, having an arthritis flare up and under a lot of stress, but the shit she did would jack anyone up.
For the longest time I resisted backing away from here because she was my mom. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I wanted her to believe that I don't blame her. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to be the selfish stuck up bitch has said I am. But, I just can't fight anymore. I am too tired to fight. Too tired to play the game and sacrifice my self so her feelings are spared. I am done and I don't have a bit of guilt about it.
