Being Done and Letting Go

Last week someone told me about losing a parent and today it's making me very sad for some reason.  And then it hit me...  I'm finally letting go of my mom.

Yesterday I told her I can't handle talking to her anymore. I can't speak to her about anything, not even the weather without getting completely agitated.

She doesn't listen to me.  I tell her it doesn't matter what her excuse or reasoning is for something, but she's got to tell me anyway. No matter what, because somehow it's going to make a difference, but it never does.

She tried telling me about how hard it was to overcome the crappy stuff her dad did to her, but she did because she wanted a relationship with him.  But, all I wonder is why she wanted a relationship with a man that wouldn't recognize her husband, her daughter or her grandkids.  There comes a point in time where you realize a relationship with a parent can't continue because no matter how much they love you, they can't give you want you need. She wants me to sacrifice my feelings and my well being so we can have a relationship. I can't do that.

I don't blame her for her behavior and how it a ffects me.  Both my parents tried the best they could, but they never should have been parents. They were both so broken and are still broken.   They will always be broken.

 My mom doesn't understand how I can not blame her and still not want to have a relationship with her. She thinks things have been better the last 6 months or so. But, six months of good doesn't negate 30+ years of bad.  She says I've changed since I moved here.  With all that I have been through, how could any person not change?  How can a person not change when they have to bail their parent out of jail, move them in with you, take them to court in another state, help them find a new place to live and move all their shit and then be called horrible names and accuses your husband of wanting her dead?  Yes, she was mentally unstable, having an arthritis flare up and under a lot of stress, but the shit she did would jack anyone up.

For the longest time I resisted backing away from here because she was my mom. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I wanted her to believe that I don't blame her. I didn't want to hurt her.  I didn't want to be the selfish stuck up bitch has said I am. But, I just can't fight anymore. I am too tired to fight. Too tired to play the game and sacrifice my self so her feelings are spared.  I am done and I don't have a bit of guilt about it.

Meeting My Self Critical Voice

Yesterday I was finally able to meet my self critical voice. The one that yells at me when I make the smallest mistake and makes me terrified to make decisions.  The one that won't let me get rid of this weight because she thinks it keeps her safe.

She's a little girl that was born to fail. Her parents were train wrecks for each other, but didn't see it.  A little over a year into their marriage, things rocky, so they had a baby to fix it. Surely that would bring them together.

I first grade she had a chance to be in the gifted program at school, but then her grade started slipping. All through grade school she wanted to be in "smart kids" class, but was always put in the "average kids" class.

She continued to grow up watching her parents fight and being manipulated my her mother. There was screaming, name calling, police, etc.  Her mother wanted her to hate her father. But deep down she couldn't.  She was called all sorts of names and told she deserved to be hit by a a person with family services.

Then she became a teenager. She had the "wrong" kind of friends, smoked, and stole for her friends' drug money.  They weren't good for her, but they accepted her. Even though she had to pay them.

Later in her teen years she developed sever pain in her back and couldn't go to school for two years. She was in the hospital for countless tests, but nothing was found. Her parents psychiatrist said it was all from my head.   Her psychiatrist also saved her. He convinced her parents to put her in a mental institution for two years.

It was the best two years of her life. She went to school, had friends messed up like she was, had a boyfriend and even went to prom. It was a safe place, a place where she wasn't responsible for keeping her parents marriage together.  In her senior year of school, she had to go home because the insurance stopped paying.

She somehow managed to graduate high school and went to college. Her mom shot down almost every school she wanted to go to.  But, in the end she was finally free of her parents.

After college, she moved back to her parents house and did everything she could to stay away. She worked two jobs, went back to school for her masters degree and spent time with her new boyfriend.

She later married that boyfriend and has had an incredible ten years of marriage and two thriving happy children.

But she doesn't see how much she has overcome and how successful she has been.   She doesn't understand why her husband loves her.  All she sees is the mistakes she's made.  All the times she had failed.

And now that she has met her self critical voice, she understands on a deeper level why she struggles. Why she won't be loved, why she can't lose weight, why she can't truly live.

Through all this crap, she has had another voice. A voice that won't let her quit. A voice her self critical voice screams at. But, that other voice is getting stronger and it will get louder.

You Just Have to Go For It

A wise man who I admire the hell out of recently told me you "Just have to go for it. You won't always win, but eventually you will and then you will have momentum. Good things come from good things."

The only way I'm going to get there is to just start doing it. Stop thinking about it and just do it.

Yes it's scary as hell. Yes staying with what I know is safer. But staying safe is also staying miserable.

I've got to start letting go. Stop fearing the tears. Stop trying to be strong. Because hanging on out of fear is not strength. Stubbornness maybe, but not strength.

"Don't delay awakening by studying the darkness.  Step into the light" - Alan Cohen

Unplanned Ramblings

I don't know how you do it. You have challenges and struggles just like everyone else, but somehow you rise above them and use them to make yourself and others better. I just run the other way.

Perfectionism, passion, intensity, intelligence, control.  I fear them and they make me want to run and hide.  I have always seen these things as negatives, but you show me they can be used as positives.   My son struggles with these things too and I introduced him to the show so he could see someone approach life the way you try to.

I see the things you do, wonder how you do it and convince myself I can't do anything like that.  I'm too lazy. In reality, I'm scared.  Exactly what I'm afraid of I'm not sure of. Part of it is failing. I think another part of it is criticism.

I admire you self awareness, personal strength and confidence. It's what gets you through the crap you are handed.  It's what gives you the ability to do what you do and let go of the junk.  It's what will help me conquer my fears.

Round Two

I have my second EMDR treatment tomorrow.   I'm trying not to think about it because I'm dreading it. I've been debating whether or not I want to come up with excuses to not do it.

The only way I'm going to truly be better and stop being so afraid of everything is to go through this process.  I know that. But, as much as I know that, I'm still so damn scared to feel better. I'm afraid to dig all this shit up. All this shit that I have worked so damn hard to stuff.

I feel stuck. I'm understanding more of what makes me feel the way I do and what is triggering my emotions, but when it comes to going through the EMDR process and talking myself out of my negative thoughts, I am completely overwhelmed.

And now that I'm starting to really think about this, I'm becoming overwhelmed again, so I'm going to drink some wine and focus on my distractions.

First EMDR Session

I had my first EMDR therapy session last week.  If you don't know what EMDR is, I'm not sure I can explain it very well. Basically you bring up issues you are struggling with and through rapid eye movement, create new paths to help you resolve the issues.

I didn't know what to expect with this or how I would react to it, but I've been dealing with this crap for so long I didn't really care. I just want to stop feeling miserable with every thought I have.

First I picked a negative feeling that I experience frequently (feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough) and brought up experiences that have triggered those feelings one at a time.   I processed the experience by talking through the thoughts I have about it while I rapidly follow my therapists fingers back and forth with my eyes.

Let me just tell you this exercise left me DRAINED for two days!  It was emotionally painful and exhausting. I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes hurt and it made me dizzy to type on a computer screen the day I did the therapy. I'm not going to lie, it freaking sucked!  For two days, almost everything I did or thought created an intense emotional reaction. At one point I started balling when I put on a pair of shorts.

My therapist noticed a couple things. She noticed that I would get stuck at the same spot with each experience I processed. Before I would find the positive in the experience, I got stuck at the bottom of the negatives. This happened with four of the five things I processed. The last thing I processed, I couldn't pull myself out of. This was the struggle I have with losing weight. I can't do it. I self destruct and tell myself horrible things every time I try.

The other thing my therapist observed is that I have intense negative emotional reactions to every feeling I experience - good or bad.  If I'm having good feelings, I talk myself down from them and if I'm having bad feelings, I let them have free reign in my head.

I'm not doing the best job of communicating what an impact this therapy had on me. I wish I could. I wish I would have written down what was going through my head that day, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've been meaning to write about for a week, but this is the first opportunity I have felt strong enough to do it without falling apart.

I'm not looking forward to my next session. As a matter of fact, I'm dreading it. I have a feeling the closer next Tuesday comes, the more anxiety I will have. This experience was so difficult I question whether I want to do it again. But, when I look at the alternative of continuing to feel like crap every time I try to experience an emotion, it's about as equally painful as the sessions. The only difference is that going through these sessions will hopefully help stop all the awful emotions.

A Letter

I wrote this not long after my first EMDR session.  The session obviously dug up a lot of "stuff".


Dear person that gave birth to me:


Damn you for calling me a selfish bitch over and over again.

Damn you for not listening.  Over and over again. To this day even.

Damn you for manipulating me.

Damn you for not accepting what I did as good enough.

Damn you for not sticking up for your family.

Damn you for making dad hit me.

Damn you!  Damn you!  Damn you!

I know things weren't easy for you. I know you took your fair share of shit as a kid. But damn you for thinking I could solve all your problems!

I was a kid!  I was doing my best to please you so you would stay off my back, but nothing was ever good enough. There was always one more spec of food on the dishes before they went in the dishwasher. There was always one more spec of dirt in the bathroom sink. You would never let me do things on my own because you were afraid of the mess it would cause.

You think you did an awesome thing by putting me in the hospital for two years, but then you want a fucking pat on the back because YOUR insurance paid for it. It's your fucking job as a parent to raise me. It's a thankless job.  But you do it anyway. You don't put your child on guilt trips because you don't think they show you enough gratitude?

With all the shit you pulled, why the hell would I have an ounce of gratitude for you?!  Because you gave birth to me?  You could've done us both a favor and skipped it.

You try to make up for all your mistakes by telling me how great I am. But guess what. I don't believe a word you say.